Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
