did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
