im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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