How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
