My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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