In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Someone came in the potted fern
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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