Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
