i just wanna soil my oats bro
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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