When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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