On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
