This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
