we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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