I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
