Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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