I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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