The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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