I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
