The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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