Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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