When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice