I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.