I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.