you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
