I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
