genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
