I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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