1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
