So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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