and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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