if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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