you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
