theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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