I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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