We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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