: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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