saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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