He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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