my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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