Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
