I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
