ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
