Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
