Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
