i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
