I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
