I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
