I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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