dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
