If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
