every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
