there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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