so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
