I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
