I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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