If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
