the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
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I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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