i think my mom watched the whole time
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
