I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
