Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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