Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
