i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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