And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
