she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
